The One Question That Will Transform Every Relationship You Have

Most relationship advice focuses on communication techniques. Active listening. "I" statements. Conflict resolution strategies. And while those tools can be helpful, they miss the fundamental issue.

The problem isn't that you're not communicating well enough. The problem is that you're asking the wrong question.

You're asking: "How do I make them understand?"

When you should be asking: "Did I get what I wanted?"

This single question—asked honestly, consistently, and without judgment—will transform every relationship you have. Not because it changes them. But because it changes you.

Why "How Did That Make You Feel?" Doesn't Work

Therapists love to ask, "How did that make you feel?" And on the surface, it seems like a reasonable question. You're supposed to identify your emotions, process them, and communicate them to the other person.

But here's the problem with that question: It assumes someone else can MAKE you feel something.

And if you believe that someone else can make you feel a certain way, you've just given them all the power. You've made yourself a victim of their behavior. You've decided that your emotional state is dependent on what they do or don't do.

That's not sovereignty. That's surrender.

If you are truly sovereign—if you are the author of your own experience—then nothing can MAKE you feel anything without your permission. Emotional responses are yours. You choose them, even when it doesn't feel like a choice.

The moment you shift from "they made me feel" to "I felt," you reclaim your power.

The Question That Changes Everything

So instead of asking, "How did that make you feel?" I want you to start asking a different question:

"Did you get what you wanted?"

This question does something radical. It forces you to take ownership of your experience. It assumes that you entered the interaction wanting something—validation, connection, control, approval, peace—and that you either got it or you didn't.

And here's the key: The gap between what you wanted and what you got reveals everything you need to know about yourself.

Not about them. About you.

How the Question Works

Let's walk through a real example. Imagine you had a conversation with your partner this morning. You brought up something that's been bothering you, and they got defensive. The conversation ended with both of you frustrated and nothing resolved.

Now, instead of spiraling into "they never listen" or "they always make me feel unheard," you ask yourself:

"Did I get what I wanted?"

The answer is probably no. Okay. Now go deeper.

"What did I WANT?"

Maybe you wanted them to apologize. Maybe you wanted them to validate your feelings. Maybe you wanted them to change their behavior. Maybe you just wanted to feel seen.

Write it down. Be specific.

"What did I THINK would happen?"

Maybe you thought they'd be receptive because you approached it calmly. Maybe you thought they'd finally "get it" this time. Maybe you thought bringing it up would relieve the tension.

Write that down too.

"What ACTUALLY happened?"

They got defensive. They turned it around on you. The conversation escalated. You both shut down. Nothing changed.

Write down exactly what happened, without interpretation. Just the facts.

Now here's where the transformation happens:

"What does the gap between what I wanted and what I got tell me about MYSELF?"

Maybe it tells you that you're seeking validation from someone who can't give it right now. Maybe it tells you that you're trying to control their response instead of just expressing your truth. Maybe it tells you that you're more interested in being right than in being connected.

This isn't about blaming yourself. It's about seeing your part in the dynamic. Because once you see it, you can change it.

The Pattern You're Creating

Here's what most people miss: You're not a passive participant in your relationships. You're actively creating the patterns you're complaining about.

Every time you enter an interaction wanting something specific, you're setting up a dynamic. And when you don't get what you want, you react in a predictable way. And that reaction creates the next interaction. And the cycle continues.

Let's say you want your partner to validate your feelings. They don't. You get hurt. You withdraw. They feel rejected. They get defensive. You feel even more invalidated. You withdraw further. And on and on.

The pattern isn't the problem. Your participation in the pattern is.

And the only way to break the pattern is to see your part in it. Not their part. Yours.

My Sister and the Shift That Changed Everything

I'll give you a personal example. My sister and I didn't speak for years. The relationship was broken—and I was the one who'd broken it.

I'd hurt her. I didn't fully understand how, but I knew she was livid. Mad at me in a way that created distance I couldn't cross.

And honestly? I was apathetic about it. I didn't want her to be mad, but I'd resolved that I couldn't change it. I figured time would fix it eventually.

So I asked myself: "What do I want from my sister?"

The honest answer? I wanted the rift to close. I wanted things to go back to normal. But I was waiting for time to do the work I needed to do.

And then I asked: "What am I actually getting?"

Silence. Distance. A relationship frozen in place.

And finally: "What does that gap tell me about myself?"

It told me that I was waiting for something to change without changing myself. I was apathetic when I should have been present. I was passive when I needed to be intentional.

The moment I saw that, everything changed. I stopped waiting for time to fix it. I showed up differently—not with excuses or justifications, but genuinely changed.

She was skeptical at first. She read my initial outreach through a damaged lens, like it was an "I got caught" fake apology. And I don't blame her. But I kept showing up differently. And eventually, she saw that I had changed.

The relationship didn't heal overnight. But it started healing. Because I'd changed how I was showing up.

The Path to Higher Ground

Here's the truth: You already know the right question to ask. You just need someone to remind you to ask it.

Deep down, you know that asking "Did I get what I wanted?" is more powerful than asking "Why won't they give me what I need?" You've always known it. But you can't see your own patterns without someone helping you look.

I've been where you are. I've asked the wrong questions. I've made other people responsible for my peace. I've waited for them to change so I could feel better.

And I've learned: There is higher ground. And you can get there.

Not by trying harder to make them understand. But by understanding yourself.

The shift happens when you start asking, "Did I get what I wanted?" instead of "Why won't they give me what I need?"

When you start asking, "What does the gap tell me about myself?" instead of "What's wrong with them?"

When you start taking full responsibility for your own experience instead of making them responsible for your emotional state.

That's the path to higher ground. And I'm helping you see what you're capable of.

The Practice That Makes Transformation Possible

This shift doesn't happen overnight. It happens through daily practice.

You need a way to see your patterns. To notice when you're seeking something from someone who can't give it. To recognize when you're making them responsible for how you feel.

And that requires awareness. Daily, consistent awareness.

The practice is simple: Three check-ins per day. Morning, midday, evening.

Each day, you track one interaction where you wanted something and didn't get it. You ask the three questions:

1. What did I WANT to happen?
2. What did I THINK would happen?
3. What ACTUALLY happened?

Then you ask: "Did I get what I wanted? And what does the gap tell me about myself?"

Over time, this practice reveals patterns. You see where you're seeking validation. You see where you're trying to control outcomes. You see where you're making other people responsible for your peace.

And once you see it, you can change it.

The Tool That Helps You Practice

I created a simple 7-day journal to help people practice this daily awareness. It's not about forcing change. It's about creating the awareness that makes change possible.

Each day, you check in three times. You track one interaction. You ask the questions that reveal your patterns.

By Day 7, you'll see patterns you've been blind to for years. You'll understand why you keep getting the same results. And you'll have the clarity to start showing up differently.

If you want to try it, you can download it for free at TheHeartsEpiphany.com. It's just a tool. A way to practice what I'm describing here.

Because the question isn't "How do I make them understand?" The question is "Did I get what I wanted?"

And the answer to that question will tell you everything you need to know—not about them, but about yourself. And that's where real transformation begins.

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About the Author: Matthew Glosenger is the creator of The Heart's Epiphany, a framework for transforming relationships through self-awareness and personal responsibility. After years of broken relationships and repeated patterns, he discovered that the only question worth asking was, "Did I get what I wanted?"—and that question changed everything. Learn more at TheHeartsEpiphany.com.