How to Forgive Someone Who Doesn't Deserve It (And Why You Should)

They hurt you. They betrayed you. They broke something that can't be fixed. And they're not sorry.

So why should you forgive them?

Here's the truth that no one wants to hear: Forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you.

And until you understand that, you'll keep carrying weight that was never yours to hold.

The Misconception About Forgiveness

Most people think forgiveness means letting the other person off the hook. It means saying, "What you did was okay." It means pretending the pain didn't happen. It means reconciling with someone who doesn't deserve a second chance.

So they refuse to forgive. Because forgiving feels like losing. Like giving up. Like letting the other person win.

But that's not what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is releasing what was never yours to carry.

It's not about them. It's about you. It's about putting down the weight you've been holding onto because you think it protects you, proves you're right, or keeps you safe.

But it doesn't protect you. It imprisons you.

Why You Can't Forgive

If you're reading this, you've probably tried to forgive. You've told yourself you should let it go. You've prayed about it, talked about it, maybe even gone to therapy about it. And yet, the anger keeps coming back.

Here's why: You're still trying to change the past.

Every time you replay what happened, you're trying to rewrite it. You're imagining what they should have done differently. You're rehearsing the apology they never gave. You're holding onto the belief that if you just stay angry long enough, somehow the past will change.

But it won't. The past is fixed. And no amount of anger, resentment, or refusal to forgive will change what happened.

The only thing you can change is what you're still holding onto.

What You're Really Holding Onto

When you refuse to forgive, you're not just holding onto anger. You're holding onto a story. A story about who you are, who they are, and what happened between you.

Maybe the story is: "They ruined my life."
Maybe it's: "I'll never trust anyone again."
Maybe it's: "If I forgive them, it means what they did was okay."
Maybe it's: "I can't let go until they acknowledge what they did."

And as long as you hold onto that story, you're stuck. Because the story keeps you in the past. It keeps you defined by what happened to you instead of who you're becoming.

Forgiveness isn't about changing the story. It's about recognizing that the story is no longer serving you.

My Sister and the Weight I Carried for Years

I'll tell you a personal story. My sister and I didn't speak for years. The relationship was broken—and I was the one who'd broken it.

I'd hurt her. I didn't fully understand how, but I knew she was livid. Mad at me in a way that created a chasm I couldn't cross.

And honestly? I was apathetic about it. I didn't want her to be mad, but I'd resolved that I couldn't change it. I figured time would heal the wound eventually.

But the truth was, I was holding onto something. Not anger at her—but apathy about my own responsibility. I was carrying the weight of knowing I'd hurt her without doing anything about it.

And that weight was destroying me.

One day, I hit rock bottom. I was alone, isolated, and miserable. And in that moment, I realized: I was the one carrying the weight. Not her. Me.

She'd moved on. She was living her life. And I was still sitting in apathy, still waiting for time to fix what only I could fix.

So I asked myself a hard question: What am I still holding onto, and why?

The answer was painful. I was holding onto the belief that I couldn't change it. That time would do the work I needed to do. That I could stay passive and everything would somehow resolve itself.

But that wasn't true. Forgiveness—of myself and the situation—required me to take action. To show up differently. To stop being apathetic and start being present.

So I let go of the apathy. Not for her. For me.

And when I finally reached out to her—not with excuses or justifications, but genuinely changed—she was skeptical. She read it as an "I got caught" fake apology at first. And I don't blame her. But I kept showing up differently. And eventually, she saw that I had changed.

The relationship didn't heal overnight. But it started healing. Because I'd stopped waiting for time to release me from something only I could release myself from.

The Shift: From "They Shouldn't Have Done That" to "What Am I Still Holding Onto?"

Forgiveness doesn't start with them. It starts with you.

It starts with recognizing that you've been carrying something that's no longer serving you. And that the only person who can put it down is you.

Here's the truth: You already know you need to forgive. You just need someone to remind you that you're capable of letting go.

Deep down, you know this. You've always known it. But you can't see what you're holding onto without someone helping you look. I've been there. I've carried the weight. I've released it. And I'm telling you: There is higher ground. And you can get there.

Not by trying harder to forgive. Not by forcing yourself to let go. But by seeing what you're holding onto and choosing, one day at a time, to put it down.

The Path to Forgiveness

Forgiveness isn't a switch you flip. It's a process. And it starts with awareness.

You need to see what you're carrying before you can put it down. You need to understand why you're holding onto it before you can release it. You need to recognize the cost before you can choose freedom.

And that requires daily practice. Not because forgiveness is complicated. But because you'll be tempted to pick the weight back up. You'll replay the past. You'll rehearse the apology. You'll feel the anger rise again.

And when that happens, you need a way to see what you're doing and choose differently.

That's where the practice comes in. A simple daily check-in that helps you notice what you're carrying, what it's costing you, and whether you're ready to put it down.

Morning. Midday. Evening. Just three moments each day where you pause and ask: "What am I still holding onto? And is it serving me?"

Over time, this practice reveals patterns. You see how often you're replaying the past. You see what you're still trying to get from someone who can't give it. You see the weight you're carrying.

And once you see it, you can choose to put it down.

Why You Should Forgive (Even If They Don't Deserve It)

Here's the bottom line: You should forgive because you deserve to be free.

Not because they deserve forgiveness. Not because what they did was okay. Not because you're weak or naive or letting them win.

But because carrying the weight of unforgiveness is destroying you. And the only person who can release you from that weight is you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. It doesn't mean trust. It doesn't mean pretending the past didn't happen.

It just means you're done letting the past define your present.

And when you forgive—when you truly release what was never yours to carry—you'll discover something profound:

You don't need them to change for you to be free. You just need to stop waiting for them to release you from something only you can release yourself from.

The Practice That Makes Forgiveness Possible

I created a simple tool to help people practice this daily awareness. It's a 7-day journal that walks you through morning, midday, and evening check-ins. Each day, you track what you're feeling, what you're holding onto, and what it's costing you.

It's not about forcing forgiveness. It's about creating the awareness that makes forgiveness possible.

By Day 7, you'll see patterns you've been blind to for years. You'll see what you're carrying and why. And you'll have the clarity to decide if you're ready to put it down.

If you want to try it, you can download it for free at TheHeartsEpiphany.com. No pressure. No sales pitch. Just a tool that might help you see what you're holding onto—and give you the courage to let it go.

Because you deserve to be free. And freedom starts the moment you decide to put down what you've been carrying.

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About the Author: Matthew Glosenger is the creator of The Heart's Epiphany, a framework for transforming relationships through forgiveness and self-awareness. After years of carrying the weight of unforgiveness, he discovered that the only person who could release him was himself—and that changed everything. Learn more at TheHeartsEpiphany.com.